How to photograph your new puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with the other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by the scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside! !”

17. Call spouse to clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.